Homesick
Heartsick
Feelings of guilt plague my soul
Something must be wrong with me.

But I am who God created me to be
Perfectly imperfect
Invisibly scarred by my own hand
Guilt and shame ricochet through my brain
Suffocating my mind and soul
Choking out any light that attempts to take root
Fostering a bleak existence
Consumed by darkness my demons emerge
Shooting arrows that pierce my heart
Its mangled form unrecognizable
Dripping blood from every puncture
Till only suicidal ideation remains
Convinced that I am better off dead.

That is a LIE
My husband loves me and yearns to hold me
My children melt down in my absence
My family’s love enables me to keep pressing on
Playing peekaboo with my baby girl
Her smile flashing like a shooting star
Reading Dr. Seuss with my four year old
He sits quietly repeating some of his favorite phrases
Cherishing the baby laughs that peal and toddler mimics as the mockingbird that tormented our cats
Struggling to see myself from my children’s’ point of view
An exquisite creation made to love
Feeling their sorrows and joys with every fiber of my being
Learning to reach my full potential of who Christ created me to be as a mother, daughter, sister, friend
Thriving not simply surviving
Walking in grace one day at a time.